North Shore Nourishment
What my time in Hawaii has looked like
Alohaa friends!!
From Hawaii!! The North Shore of Oahu, specifically. I'm about 2/3 of the way through my time here (Day 19 of 30) and it has been every bit as magical and nourishing as I hoped.
For those without the context, I'm taking sick leave off work for a few months to reset my nervous system and put all my attention in listening to my body, in hopes of releasing the grip pain has had on me (read more about that, in essay here ,if you haven't OR if you have, I updated it. It's a clearer depiction of my pain journey now I think, thanks to help of friends)
Hawaii is stop one. I'll be back in SF for a week in May and then home in Richmond the rest of the month. June TBD!
For the 20 days here, almost every day I've:
Watched the sun rise and fall from the beach
Meditated 3x (morning, afternoon, evening, transcendental, body scans, and MBSR)
Coconut flossed (I hate to say it, but I've noticed a difference..)
Sweated out my demons during a "90 minute open eyed fully body meditation" in the words of my Hot Yoga North Shore instructor
Consciously experienced something pleasurable or novel (acai bowl, breakfast bowl in a papaya, a native fruit (soursop!), coconut and MCT oil organic mold free $9 , 8 oz cup of coffee, visited the "best" beach for____)
Written
Done some form of PT
Swam in the ocean
Worn more sunscreen than I think I need, a hat, and a long-sleeve rashgaurd
Listened to my crowd-sourced Hawaii spotify playlist (if u have a song I should meditate on or scream sing, windows down, as I drive past mtns, plz share)
Given gratitude to God, this earth, and my body
Felt in my bones, heart, soul, baby toe and thumb, gratitude for God, this earth, and my body
And every day I've experienced pain, a few days I cried, and one day I deep belly, full body, sobbed every drop of grief out of my body. I was driving back to North Shore after meeting with a friend of friend (my one social interaction of the week). I felt pain shoot down my calf as I pressed and released the gas, wondering if a 2nd stop was warranted to make it the 45 minutes back, but more deeply than the foot and calf pain, I felt the pain of expectations lost This kind of pain looked like:
" FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK. I"VE BEEN RESTING AND BEING SO GOOD AND I STILL HAVE THIS PAIN ROARING. IS IT LOUDER? HOW IS IT LOUDER? I CAN"T EVEN WALK 5 MINUTES AROUND A TOWN WITH A FRIEND, WHICH WAS ALREADY PLAN B. PLAN B BECAUSE I ALSO CAN'T FUCKING HIKE AND AND AND I'M SUCH AN AMAZING HIKER!! I WOULD DESTROY THESE BEAUTIFUL HAWAIAN MOUNTAAAAAAAAINSSSSS.
The one older woman in my MBPR program (mindfulness based pain reduction) with pain patterns similar to mine uses a rollator walker. Do I…need a rollator walker? Am I, a person uses rollator walker?
How could I get past my dad picking me up from the airport and seeing a rollator walker*."
I pull over, this pain did make a 2nd stop warranted because of the tears starting to occlude my vision.
I replay the words from my MBPR instructor "if you won't have self compassion for yourself, who will? " I do the compassion exercise where we abstract the suffering outside of us:
"This is what it feels like to be someone that has chronic pain. This is what if feels like to have chronic page at this age. This is what it feels like to be unable to participate in the same activities as your friends. This is what it feels like to experience loss. "
This is what it looks like to love yourself.
I am becoming kinder to myself. I can comfort me. And while the pain has not abated, the back pain at least has become duller and far less persistent. I'm also getting smarter about the pain. I have less activities and more consistent rhythms, making it a better environment to A/B test pain--we know definitively that the body loves to swim and even f I didn't walk to Whole Foods to get groceries or work 8 hrs, a full meal must still be prepped in phases.
Here, I am accepting and leaning into my constraints. If I prop the cutting board up at the right level, I can chop sitting down. In the imprecise words of Bethany Hamilton's doctor in the movie Soul Surfer, "the list of things you will have to learn to do differently is extensive, but the good news is, the list of things you can't do anymore is small" Obvi I watched Soul Surfer while here: 90% of the movie was cheese, it depicted only a white Hawaii, and Carrie Underwood should stick to singing, BUT the surfing was beautiful, I saw the Foodlands market I go to on camera, aaaand the Dr,s' line hit home bb.
This ~poem gives a picture of my daily joys here:
Oahu's North Shore Nourishment
Sipping on Pitaya Lilikai Kombucha from
the tap, sitting on a velvet pillow a top of a gradient wood bench, back against
Walls beating with the color of roasted beets
Embrace me
Beaming,
watching
blue paintings of the sea. I swim into one that's most like the sea I see:
neon blue made brighter with pale.
Magenta splashes, shapes? Fish?
The fish is
the sea is
the fish.
I bite into sea
asparagus
from the Beet Box Café's "nourish bowl".
Wet and naked laying on my towel of hot black stones with the sun as my cover
Clean from the outdoor shower
that missed the salt water I still catch above my lip
And the fresh dirt, a burrow for my feet
In through the nose--
Oceans' salty air, soap's soothing lavender, the hibiscus tree's vermillion buds
--I hold
Holding my breath
Floating just above the ocean floor
Locking eyes with the mama sea turtle
I see the wisdom stored beneath her shell, in the wrinkly skin, soft
Swimming towards me
Me to mama,
Head nodding in my direction,
Yes.
In, with, the space between
Our heads bob up
We take our first breath
At a new beach, no longer at my quiet neighborhood beach
Seeking the sun's set from a different vantage point
I'm told it's the island's best point
To catch the sun crossing day's finish line
A couple applauds and cheers
We all applaud, some cheer
You did it sun!
With you,
Another day won
Each morning, the sun, the birds, and I slowly stretch our arms and softly open our eyes together, no matter the weather
It's always good weather
When there's just enough light to find then throw my bright yellow sweatshirt over my cotton PJs,
I walk--no, I chasse--through the morning haze
to the tune of the birds' first and final subtle song
To the beach!
The birds warble louder, the sun shines brighter, my mind
Quiets
I scrape the skin of the papaya
Finished but not quenched
Am I longing for more than my purveyor can provide?
I delight in the spoon now full
PapaYaaasss King
Thank you for the juicy juicy jewels